A Larry Davidesque Doggie Tale
When crazy sh*t happens, laugh it off.
People that know me, know that stuff happens to me all the time. I used to wonder “why me”? Now, I look at my crazy moments through the eyes of Larry David. My life is often comical. So be it. The following is a true story that occurred this morning.
This morning…
was a classic Friday morning. With breakfast and my puppy Linus at my side, I opened the door to a breathtaking Friday morning. He ran like a bat out of hell chasing a bird, as I meandered to a seat on the patio, covered fresh with morning dew. I read the morning sports updates and really took in the moment. It’s what life as an Ex-Exec is meant to be.
Bark, Bark
Suddenly, I heard a series of loud, obnoxious barks and realized our older dog Killian (almost deaf, virtually blind, somewhat senile, but always lovable) had just woken up and was anxiously demanding to do his morning business.
Since the two dogs often fight like cat and dogs, my moment of peace was soon replaced by a little stress and anxiety. My girlfriend has a bad back, so I wanted to let her sleep and handle the dogs myself.
Luckily, the changing of the dogs was surprisingly seamless. Linus walked in as Killian walked out. Voila, morning bliss was back. Or, so I thought.
Morning bliss for Linus is to sit on my lap and chomp on a bully stick, that I hold, while reading the digital NY Times. We made our way to the leather couch in the living room. As I sat down, I felt a little wetness on my butt, but assumed it was from the morning dew. We enjoyed our time together.
OMG: Larry David, I Need Your Help.
About 7 minutes later, I decided it was time to get in gear for work. I headed to the bathroom shower. As I got undressed my nose caught wind of a repulsive stench. What was it? I grabbed my underwear, and to my horror, it was drenched in ugly brown goo. OMG! I have anal leakage. I was truly horrified. My brain went bonkers. Was this the beginning of a very stinky problem? Would I now become a Depends’ man? Should I contact Larry David for advice?
I scrubbed the stench off and tried to slow my brain down. But it continued to think about worse case scenarios. I looked at my watch and realized, it was getting late. As I dressed, I wondered: “Do I need to bring an extra set up clothes to work… just in case?” Egads! What will I do if… Okay, can’t go there.
Holy Crap. What a Relief.
I left the bathroom and Linus was sitting like a king, on top of the couch, chomping on his bully stick. As I made my way to pet him, I noticed a huge, squished pile of dog poop on the couch and a braided pillow. A disgusting mess. One of the dogs had an accident. It wasn’t me. Hooray!
We deducted that it must have been Killian. Last night, he got into the garbage and ate a blob of BBQ grease. Since he’s a diabetic dog, well… Yes, we heard him yapping in the middle of the night. He obviously did his business on the couch.
You may be wondering how and why I didn’t notice the stench when I first sat in the poop? Frankly, I have no idea. Guess I was just preoccupied. Or, my nose was so close to my hot cocoa, that I failed to smell anything else. The net-net. I had no idea that I sat in poop.
The great news is, I sat in dog crap, but do not have anal leakage. I am a very happy man. And this doggie tale has a happy ending.
The Moral of My Doggie Tale?
Actually there are two lessons learned.
- When crazy crap initially happens it often seems like doomsday. One’s mind can instantly expand to a worse case scenario. But, more often than not, the worse case scenario never takes place.
- There was a time in my life that that this story would never have been shared. But people like Larry David have shown us the importance of laughing at ourselves. It’s healthy. And it keeps us happy. In other words, when crazy sh*t happens to you, think Larry David. Laugh at it, instead of crying about it.
Hope this story made you laugh and not barf.
Cheers!
iMark “The Ex-Exec” Schneider
